No apologies needed for lack of content. You’re not a performing monkey. Your content is thoughtful and pertinent, hence needs planning and most likely reflection. It ebbs and flows, be it rude health or under the weather or proliferation of thoughts for us to ponder. A pseudonym is nothing new, and if it creates a persona that channels different work and allows more scope, it may well be a success. Hope your on the mend Nick.
Hang in there, Nick. You're worrying me now. People love you and rely on you. I've never understood why you're such a recluse when you appear to have so much to offer - attractive, witty, highly intelligent, personable - but I know you have your reasons. I just hope you have people close to you to whom you can talk about this. WE NEED YOU xx
Your brutal honesty is pretty impressive in these times of mass theatre. It is admirable.
Or put rather better than I ever could....
“In times of universal deceit, telling the truth will be a revolutionary act,”
- Orwell
Tennis helped me order and sort my life out about 15 years ago. I started to play, then I got involved with the club - joining the committee, volunteering and running open days, that kind of thing.
It became a project I gained a great deal from and I gave a fair amount in return, effectively saving the club from administration which was the way it was heading at the time.
Have you thought about getting back to tennis? If there is a club anywhere near you with a hitting wall that's normally the best place to start.
Thank you for Dixon Cox. The most refreshing podcast on the internet. During the football season I listen to it when I drive to matches. I'm genuinely excited when a new episode lands that will coincide with that 1hr journey!
I went to a business start-up even a couple of years ago and the guy presenting explained that, as an entrepreneur the pain that you feel is from being stuck, from not driving things, creating things, growing things. I get the impression you could do with a new project like that.
Although you allude to a career you would pursue if it wasn't for identity, things that have been said before or gone before....do you know what that career would be?
As you describe, the last great adventure you went on was stumbled upon by getting out, trying something new (tennis), meeting someone new, getting some inspiration and mentoring and giving it a go. Don't you need something similar now? Some new groups? A new place to discover?
It's impossible to know what will work but often the cave that you fear holds the treasure that you seek.
A few quotes for you.
"people pay money to see others believe in themselves"
Kim Gordon - Sonic Youth
“In my whole life I’ve never been good at something I wasn’t very interested in. It just doesn’t work. There’s no substitute for strong interest.”
— Charlie Munger
“Never, never, in nothing great or small, large or petty, never give in except to convictions of honour and good sense. Never yield to force; never yield to the apparently overwhelming might of the enemy.”
- Churchill
And one which really stuck with me recently was a quote from Alex Mathers' book:
"We get depressed when we over-consume because humans were designed to create things."
I think that's one of the things completely out of kilter at the moment. Over consumption. It's no good for us. Only 1% create.....we all need to create more.
Great comment, thanks David. Too ill and tired to reply properly right now. Which is also why I currently can’t do anything, but your suggestions are good.
Aw, Nick. If I was woke I would “send hugs” but I won’t. So sorry you find yourself here (my broken wrist is currently enough to reduce my own world to yards). Why not do it? So many writers use pseudonyms, and writing is clearly a major talent of yours. You have much to say. None of us present the same face to the world all the time, I had several “identities”, for work, for clubbing, for family, for sport. You can keep your real self hidden away in a lovely velvet box, just for your own enjoyment. You are right about politics though, lots of shouting to little effect. Can you go back to the Lakes for a bit? Nature is a great healer.
lol, the “clubbing” was in the early 90s but I still have very fond memories of staying out all night, walking the dog, taking a shower then staggering to my desk and having to do a day’s work in a new personality. Happy days. Lots of acquaintances, very few friends, but there you go. Wild horses could not drag me to a club now - they’re all gone anyway. Life is a personal journey, we plough our own furrow. One day at a time.
Thank you Nick...you've said a lot and it wouldn't surprise me if many, if not most of the people here have experienced or are experiencing what you are describing in terms of 'identity'. You talked about the 'you' on and off-stage. They cannot be one and the same. I'm a psychotherapist but this is only part of my identity. I have about 5 ½ friends. If I were stupid enough to be a shrink around them, they'd batter me to death. They don't expect me to be my job role around them. The kind of people who 'are' their jobs are the kind of people nobody wants to be around. You can see these types people a mile off...university professors who talk endlessly about their subject...politicians, who are impossible to relate to...teachers who treat parents like they are kids. They are truly possessed- 2 dimensional people who are aren't really human at all. I love comedy, especially the kind clever comedy which you Nick use to describe this absurd world we have found ourselves in. But if we were, say, sharing a flat with you and ALL you did was 'be funny' all the time, I'd top myself or find another flat, not necessarily in that order. It's very important to me to think very deeply about life, the universe and everything. As one of my trainers once said to me: 'Ian, you spend too much time in the depths. By all means stare into the abyss but you've bloody jumped into it!' I realised I had to get a life outside my work. I think you are truly brilliant Nick, as do all the people commenting here and others who follow your podcasts. Your commentaries on current affairs and life in general are more important than even you may imagine. You help keep people like me sane in a world where nothing makes sense anymore and very few are talking about it. Thank you Nick.
Hi Nick, regarding the health anxiety, if I could recommend looking into Internal Family Systems - intriguing theory of personality - and Letting Go by David Hawkins. All the best mate.
Hi Nick, that you are able to write so honestly and thoughtfully whilst unwell, is very impressive. I tend to just become quite bitter and am no good for anything.
Identity is a curious thing. Is it truly ours, or is a set of clothes which others drape upon us? God, I sound like an existentialist, but even that philosophy had some truth to it.
I don’t know if this is entirely appropriate to share, but in previous comments I both moaned about the fact that I had to give up running (something I do enjoy) overnight, due to a medical condition, and that your content had inspired me to try new things. Well, it took a year to recover, but I have managed to run again and at the grand age of 61 am managing to hit sub 20 minute 5ks. I didn’t start running until COVID. As for the new things; sadly that ended all rather badly and it took me a while to pick myself up. However, I have pivoted again and am re-learning French after a 45 year hiatus. Why am I sharing this? Because I am trying to not be who others see me to be. Too old to run, too old to learn. You be you, Nick. Whoever you want to be.
Thanks Hugh. I finally got too bored of doing nothing. Glad you are running again, and fast! If I could speak French I think I'd read Houellebecq and both Camuses (plural of Camus).
Hi Nick, my heart goes out to you while you are in this season of ill health and melancholy. I pray that you will feel better soon. I find the Psalms very consoling and uplifting and I often enjoy listening to David Suchet’s audio (on YouTube) whilst on a long run or walk out on the trails. Take care of yourself. Keep writing.
I hadn't realised David Suchet had read the Psalms, thank you for mentioning that, I'll seek them out.
I very much like Johnny Cash's reading of the entire King James New Testament, you can find it easily on Youtube. I just wish he'd done the Old Testament too.
Hi Nick. I am so sorry that you are having problems. Can I make a suggestion. Get yourself a dog. I get so much pleasure from my Springer Spaniel, Max. If I did not have him in my life then I would be in a bad place. Anyway, it works for me. I hope that you get better soon and as Churchill said sometimes you just have to " Keep buggering on".
Twenty years ago, mired in the worst bout of depression I've ever suffered, those words from Churchill were one of three or four things that kept me going.
Also, Springer spaniels are indeed fantastic dogs. If I were to get a dog, Springers and King Charles spaniels would be high on my list of first choices for the breed.
Churchill suffered from the Black Dog of depression. My brown and white dog saves me from depression. No matter what shit day I have had, he is always pleased to see me and give me unstinted love.
So sorry to read this. To echo the above, politics DOES need you. You perform a particularly valuable function in truly articulating the nub of how many patriots actually feel. Either solo or with Paul, you provide such empathy and humour in our grief for what was our country, and hearing you makes it seem that it could be saved.
I shall pray for your recovery. Could you abscond to a bit of green and pleasant land for a bit?
Many thanks for your intimate, shared reflections .
One of the more sensible decisions I ever made was to become a paid subscriber to your Substack. Your voice and the voice you share with Paul are unique, not just in timbre or tone, but in content. Selfishly, I hope you continue to educate, inform and entertain us all.
There are as many solutions to life as there are people in this world. Doors open as well as close, and as we both are painfully aware, the blessing of life is a blessing denied to a horrific cohort of the unborn, those with no voice or political power.
As we review our life (in retrospect, backwards), life moves away from us only in one direction. It is best to travel in that same direction because that is our final destination, anyway.
Accident of birth or circumstance aside, life will not come to us; there is no one to blame: from our earliest days we choose our sides and manufacture our own luck.
Whether you determine to enter a caring profession, take religious instruction or adopt a pet (pets are one heck of a distraction, but also a blessing), whatever cunning plan you form, raise a glass to your own virtues - there are multitudes.
Thank you for writing this piece Nick, it's eloquent and really interesting to read and it can't have been easy for you - I know all too well how difficult it can be to do anything when you're in dire straits, for whatever reason.
The comments on this thread are great too, I do like this community we have here.
Hope you feel much better asap Nick, but take your time, and take it easy on yourself. All the best mate.
PS: I too recently re-read City of Glass (I believe that's the Auster story you're referring to), but stalled with the New York Trilogy after it. I was discussing it with a friend on Facebook recently, and whilst there's still a lot I like about it, it does now strike me as a bit too pleased with itself. It starts very well, and then gradually disappears up itself. Though I do think the denouement is mostly good.
Take your time deciding what you want to do. Life is super hard right now and there is precious little joy if your job is talking about the news. I'm going to ramble a bit, I hope you don't mind.
I've just watched the Henry Nowak bodycam clip and it is utterly terrifying. The contempt that the Police have for Henry as he lies in a pool of his own blood is disgusting. He is handcuffed and held down by two officers despite being barely conscious and having said 4 times he has been stabbed, 9 times that he can't breathe and someone pointing out his mouth is full of blood, it is just unbelievable. They made almost no attempt to check on him, they don't remove the handcuffs or his jacket, they just kneel there like zombies. Eventually they call an ambulance as they read him his rights.
I don't want to live in a country where that can happen.
Tomorrow, Starmer will come out and do his diversity is our strength bullshit and how the problem is all down to knives being sold by Amazon and not address the root cause. He will do nothing constructive to solve any of this.
I feel a lot of empathy for your situation. I am now back in Cumbria after 25 years of living elsewhere. The Lake District is beautiful but gradually being spoiled every day. Local towns are filling with foreigners and people with no affinity for our history or culture. They actively hate us and are only here for the free stuff. Most of them are on benefits. I don't want to live in a country where that can happen.
I have also just been diagnosed with cancer after a number of delays and mistakes by the hopeless NHS and I need to decide if I want to go through the treatment or call it a day. I don't know what to do. Life is shit sometimes and it may be easier to call it here, but Restore Britain do give me some hope and I might feel very different in just a few days.
I'm reading East of Eden at the moment. I recommend it, great writing.
Nick, dunno if you remember, I saw you coming into the GB News building some months ago (I had my crash helmet on). I work in the same building and was on my way home. Anyway, I told you “I love you man, keep doing what you’re doing”. You must’ve though, what a nutter, but I think thousands of people here feel that way mate. Hang in there.
It's genuinely inspiring that you can write such an eloquent and poignant essay while under a dark cloud.
Even if it sometimes feels pointless, it definitely isn't. You're enriching our lives by sharing yours. Thank you.
Thanks Tom. Glad you saw some merit in it. Others seem to think it's just a cry for help!
No apologies needed for lack of content. You’re not a performing monkey. Your content is thoughtful and pertinent, hence needs planning and most likely reflection. It ebbs and flows, be it rude health or under the weather or proliferation of thoughts for us to ponder. A pseudonym is nothing new, and if it creates a persona that channels different work and allows more scope, it may well be a success. Hope your on the mend Nick.
Thanks G.
Hang in there, Nick. You're worrying me now. People love you and rely on you. I've never understood why you're such a recluse when you appear to have so much to offer - attractive, witty, highly intelligent, personable - but I know you have your reasons. I just hope you have people close to you to whom you can talk about this. WE NEED YOU xx
Thanks Yvonne. Hopefully the piece had some merit beyond a cry for help, but one never knows. I was just in the mood to write it I suppose.
Well said Yvonne....and he can always talk to us 😊
I think politics needs people like you Nick. You have an honesty, clarity and good humour that is missing across the political spectrum.
Thanks Andrew.
Your brutal honesty is pretty impressive in these times of mass theatre. It is admirable.
Or put rather better than I ever could....
“In times of universal deceit, telling the truth will be a revolutionary act,”
- Orwell
Tennis helped me order and sort my life out about 15 years ago. I started to play, then I got involved with the club - joining the committee, volunteering and running open days, that kind of thing.
It became a project I gained a great deal from and I gave a fair amount in return, effectively saving the club from administration which was the way it was heading at the time.
Have you thought about getting back to tennis? If there is a club anywhere near you with a hitting wall that's normally the best place to start.
Thank you for Dixon Cox. The most refreshing podcast on the internet. During the football season I listen to it when I drive to matches. I'm genuinely excited when a new episode lands that will coincide with that 1hr journey!
I went to a business start-up even a couple of years ago and the guy presenting explained that, as an entrepreneur the pain that you feel is from being stuck, from not driving things, creating things, growing things. I get the impression you could do with a new project like that.
Although you allude to a career you would pursue if it wasn't for identity, things that have been said before or gone before....do you know what that career would be?
As you describe, the last great adventure you went on was stumbled upon by getting out, trying something new (tennis), meeting someone new, getting some inspiration and mentoring and giving it a go. Don't you need something similar now? Some new groups? A new place to discover?
It's impossible to know what will work but often the cave that you fear holds the treasure that you seek.
A few quotes for you.
"people pay money to see others believe in themselves"
Kim Gordon - Sonic Youth
“In my whole life I’ve never been good at something I wasn’t very interested in. It just doesn’t work. There’s no substitute for strong interest.”
— Charlie Munger
“Never, never, in nothing great or small, large or petty, never give in except to convictions of honour and good sense. Never yield to force; never yield to the apparently overwhelming might of the enemy.”
- Churchill
And one which really stuck with me recently was a quote from Alex Mathers' book:
"We get depressed when we over-consume because humans were designed to create things."
I think that's one of the things completely out of kilter at the moment. Over consumption. It's no good for us. Only 1% create.....we all need to create more.
More ideas, more sharing, more risk taking.
All the best Nick.
Great comment, thanks David. Too ill and tired to reply properly right now. Which is also why I currently can’t do anything, but your suggestions are good.
Aw, Nick. If I was woke I would “send hugs” but I won’t. So sorry you find yourself here (my broken wrist is currently enough to reduce my own world to yards). Why not do it? So many writers use pseudonyms, and writing is clearly a major talent of yours. You have much to say. None of us present the same face to the world all the time, I had several “identities”, for work, for clubbing, for family, for sport. You can keep your real self hidden away in a lovely velvet box, just for your own enjoyment. You are right about politics though, lots of shouting to little effect. Can you go back to the Lakes for a bit? Nature is a great healer.
Thanks Fiona. Sorry about your wrist. Do you really go ‘clubbing’? Hoping you just mean seals.
Was planning to go back but can’t now till some things are resolved.
lol, the “clubbing” was in the early 90s but I still have very fond memories of staying out all night, walking the dog, taking a shower then staggering to my desk and having to do a day’s work in a new personality. Happy days. Lots of acquaintances, very few friends, but there you go. Wild horses could not drag me to a club now - they’re all gone anyway. Life is a personal journey, we plough our own furrow. One day at a time.
Thank you Nick...you've said a lot and it wouldn't surprise me if many, if not most of the people here have experienced or are experiencing what you are describing in terms of 'identity'. You talked about the 'you' on and off-stage. They cannot be one and the same. I'm a psychotherapist but this is only part of my identity. I have about 5 ½ friends. If I were stupid enough to be a shrink around them, they'd batter me to death. They don't expect me to be my job role around them. The kind of people who 'are' their jobs are the kind of people nobody wants to be around. You can see these types people a mile off...university professors who talk endlessly about their subject...politicians, who are impossible to relate to...teachers who treat parents like they are kids. They are truly possessed- 2 dimensional people who are aren't really human at all. I love comedy, especially the kind clever comedy which you Nick use to describe this absurd world we have found ourselves in. But if we were, say, sharing a flat with you and ALL you did was 'be funny' all the time, I'd top myself or find another flat, not necessarily in that order. It's very important to me to think very deeply about life, the universe and everything. As one of my trainers once said to me: 'Ian, you spend too much time in the depths. By all means stare into the abyss but you've bloody jumped into it!' I realised I had to get a life outside my work. I think you are truly brilliant Nick, as do all the people commenting here and others who follow your podcasts. Your commentaries on current affairs and life in general are more important than even you may imagine. You help keep people like me sane in a world where nothing makes sense anymore and very few are talking about it. Thank you Nick.
Hi Nick, regarding the health anxiety, if I could recommend looking into Internal Family Systems - intriguing theory of personality - and Letting Go by David Hawkins. All the best mate.
Thanks Colin, will look into them. This is an actual health problem with verified data, but nonetheless.
Hi Nick, that you are able to write so honestly and thoughtfully whilst unwell, is very impressive. I tend to just become quite bitter and am no good for anything.
Identity is a curious thing. Is it truly ours, or is a set of clothes which others drape upon us? God, I sound like an existentialist, but even that philosophy had some truth to it.
I don’t know if this is entirely appropriate to share, but in previous comments I both moaned about the fact that I had to give up running (something I do enjoy) overnight, due to a medical condition, and that your content had inspired me to try new things. Well, it took a year to recover, but I have managed to run again and at the grand age of 61 am managing to hit sub 20 minute 5ks. I didn’t start running until COVID. As for the new things; sadly that ended all rather badly and it took me a while to pick myself up. However, I have pivoted again and am re-learning French after a 45 year hiatus. Why am I sharing this? Because I am trying to not be who others see me to be. Too old to run, too old to learn. You be you, Nick. Whoever you want to be.
Thanks Hugh. I finally got too bored of doing nothing. Glad you are running again, and fast! If I could speak French I think I'd read Houellebecq and both Camuses (plural of Camus).
Both of those texts would completely defeat me in French. I can just about order a coffee whilst wearing a green hat!
Is the plural of Camus, Camuses or Cami? Hippopotamuses or hippopotami? What is the collective noun for Camuses/Cami?
All the best Nick.
Hi Nick, my heart goes out to you while you are in this season of ill health and melancholy. I pray that you will feel better soon. I find the Psalms very consoling and uplifting and I often enjoy listening to David Suchet’s audio (on YouTube) whilst on a long run or walk out on the trails. Take care of yourself. Keep writing.
I hadn't realised David Suchet had read the Psalms, thank you for mentioning that, I'll seek them out.
I very much like Johnny Cash's reading of the entire King James New Testament, you can find it easily on Youtube. I just wish he'd done the Old Testament too.
Hi Whitley, David Suchet has recorded every book of the Bible, I love listening to him read. They are all available on the YouTube.
I’ll have a look for the Johnny Cash, too, thanks for recommending!
Hi Nick. I am so sorry that you are having problems. Can I make a suggestion. Get yourself a dog. I get so much pleasure from my Springer Spaniel, Max. If I did not have him in my life then I would be in a bad place. Anyway, it works for me. I hope that you get better soon and as Churchill said sometimes you just have to " Keep buggering on".
Twenty years ago, mired in the worst bout of depression I've ever suffered, those words from Churchill were one of three or four things that kept me going.
Also, Springer spaniels are indeed fantastic dogs. If I were to get a dog, Springers and King Charles spaniels would be high on my list of first choices for the breed.
Churchill suffered from the Black Dog of depression. My brown and white dog saves me from depression. No matter what shit day I have had, he is always pleased to see me and give me unstinted love.
Dear Nick,
So sorry to read this. To echo the above, politics DOES need you. You perform a particularly valuable function in truly articulating the nub of how many patriots actually feel. Either solo or with Paul, you provide such empathy and humour in our grief for what was our country, and hearing you makes it seem that it could be saved.
I shall pray for your recovery. Could you abscond to a bit of green and pleasant land for a bit?
Hello, Nick,
Many thanks for your intimate, shared reflections .
One of the more sensible decisions I ever made was to become a paid subscriber to your Substack. Your voice and the voice you share with Paul are unique, not just in timbre or tone, but in content. Selfishly, I hope you continue to educate, inform and entertain us all.
There are as many solutions to life as there are people in this world. Doors open as well as close, and as we both are painfully aware, the blessing of life is a blessing denied to a horrific cohort of the unborn, those with no voice or political power.
As we review our life (in retrospect, backwards), life moves away from us only in one direction. It is best to travel in that same direction because that is our final destination, anyway.
Accident of birth or circumstance aside, life will not come to us; there is no one to blame: from our earliest days we choose our sides and manufacture our own luck.
Whether you determine to enter a caring profession, take religious instruction or adopt a pet (pets are one heck of a distraction, but also a blessing), whatever cunning plan you form, raise a glass to your own virtues - there are multitudes.
Thanks Keith for your kind and well written comment.
Thank you for writing this piece Nick, it's eloquent and really interesting to read and it can't have been easy for you - I know all too well how difficult it can be to do anything when you're in dire straits, for whatever reason.
The comments on this thread are great too, I do like this community we have here.
Hope you feel much better asap Nick, but take your time, and take it easy on yourself. All the best mate.
PS: I too recently re-read City of Glass (I believe that's the Auster story you're referring to), but stalled with the New York Trilogy after it. I was discussing it with a friend on Facebook recently, and whilst there's still a lot I like about it, it does now strike me as a bit too pleased with itself. It starts very well, and then gradually disappears up itself. Though I do think the denouement is mostly good.
Have you read Last Evenings on Earth? Auster is definitely influenced by Bolaño.
I haven't, cheers for the tip, I'll add it to the to-read list.
Take your time deciding what you want to do. Life is super hard right now and there is precious little joy if your job is talking about the news. I'm going to ramble a bit, I hope you don't mind.
I've just watched the Henry Nowak bodycam clip and it is utterly terrifying. The contempt that the Police have for Henry as he lies in a pool of his own blood is disgusting. He is handcuffed and held down by two officers despite being barely conscious and having said 4 times he has been stabbed, 9 times that he can't breathe and someone pointing out his mouth is full of blood, it is just unbelievable. They made almost no attempt to check on him, they don't remove the handcuffs or his jacket, they just kneel there like zombies. Eventually they call an ambulance as they read him his rights.
I don't want to live in a country where that can happen.
Tomorrow, Starmer will come out and do his diversity is our strength bullshit and how the problem is all down to knives being sold by Amazon and not address the root cause. He will do nothing constructive to solve any of this.
I feel a lot of empathy for your situation. I am now back in Cumbria after 25 years of living elsewhere. The Lake District is beautiful but gradually being spoiled every day. Local towns are filling with foreigners and people with no affinity for our history or culture. They actively hate us and are only here for the free stuff. Most of them are on benefits. I don't want to live in a country where that can happen.
I have also just been diagnosed with cancer after a number of delays and mistakes by the hopeless NHS and I need to decide if I want to go through the treatment or call it a day. I don't know what to do. Life is shit sometimes and it may be easier to call it here, but Restore Britain do give me some hope and I might feel very different in just a few days.
I'm reading East of Eden at the moment. I recommend it, great writing.
Nick, dunno if you remember, I saw you coming into the GB News building some months ago (I had my crash helmet on). I work in the same building and was on my way home. Anyway, I told you “I love you man, keep doing what you’re doing”. You must’ve though, what a nutter, but I think thousands of people here feel that way mate. Hang in there.
Ha thanks mate, I do remember that. Must have been a while ago though as I haven’t been there in ages.